I was 38 weeks along in my 2nd pregnancy. I was at the stage of being so ready to meet our 2nd baby, wondering if it was a boy or a girl, wondering how perfect he or she would and what type of personality they would have. At the same time, I remember feeling scared to death if I could handle all that came with adding another human being to our lives. In the last few weeks, I kept asking myself if I had enough room in my heart to love another child? What if I didn’t love them the same? What if it was too hard? What if I wasn’t ready? What if I can’t be the best mom to both of them?
I can remember the exact moment that it hit me. I was carrying my firstborn daughter at 39 weeks into Babies “R” Us. (Yes, I still needed diapers because the 2nd time around you just aren’t as prepared!) It was cold and snowflakes began to fall from the sky as we walked in. We were busy catching them on our tongues and laughing about how yummy snow tasted. We finally made it to the cards and as I buckled her in, my eyes felt wet. Was it the cold? Was it the snow melting? I quickly realized that these were real tears.
But why was I crying?
I had realized it was likely our last shopping trip where it would just be the two of us. For 19 months, it had always been just the two of us and I always referred to her as “my little buddy”. I wiped away my tears and kissed her on the forehead and told her how I couldn’t wait for her to be a big sister. And although it was true, I still worried (as all moms do) that the only life she had ever known would be turned upside down. She wouldn’t have my undivided attention. There would now be two little people I thought about the second I woke up. There would now be two little people who needed good morning hugs, boo-boo kisses, and bedtimes stories. Would I be good enough?
When we got into the car, I called the person who had been there before and the person who knew just what to say. My mom.
“Mom, what if I don’t love them the equally? What if I can’t give them both the same amount of attention? How will I do this?” I said in between tears.
She reassured me as she always does that the moment we met our new addition, I would understand just how much love a heart could hold. And 4 days later….she was right.
As labor began, those thoughts quickly subsided and excitement (and pain!) set in. From the moment I heard her sweet cry, my heart exploded. I loved her more than words could say and I knew her sister would too. She was perfect. All of those worries, laughable as soon as I felt her on my chest. I knew I could be good enough.
Now that 2 years have passed, I laugh to myself about my fears. I count my blessings to have the honor to love two beautiful girls in such different ways. I love each of their different personalities and love to see the bond that they share. The days in the beginning were hard, but seeing their friendship blossom and our younger daughter ask for her big sisters hand to hold is enough to make my heart melt on even my worst day. And in the end, I’ve learned that once again my mother’s wisdom is always spot on.