Pondering junior programming

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kid tv
Rotting their brains? Possibly. Rotting mine? Definitely.

Here’s some fun Columbus trivia for you: the kid’s TV channel Nickelodeon started here! A cable system called QUBE was launched locally in the late 1970s with a channel that featured the children’s show Pinwheel. A couple years later, that channel was relaunched as Nickelodeon. And while it’s not quite as inescapable as all things Disney, we do have it to thank for around-the-clock little kid programming from the likes of Nick Jr., Disney Jr. and Sprout.

And believe me, I am truly thankful for them – well, for the most part. Some of the programming is fantastic, educational and super entertaining (looking at you, Sesame Street), but some of it – while still having its redeeming qualities – raises major questions to the post-preschool audience. Here, I present to you some of the deep, profound thoughts I’ve had over the past few years of kiddie viewing.

• Sure, Sid the Science Kid is learning a crap ton about science (and so are my kids, so thanks for that at least, Teacher Susie!), but, uh, does he know how to read? Is anyone teaching him that? Letters? Numbers even? No? How does a preschooler get to dictate curriculum anyway? And why are four children running around unsupervised on the playground? (Sid does say to keep asking questions – I’ve got plenty!)

• It doesn’t seem like the Lion Guard is protecting the circle of life so much as disrupting it. They’re not bullies, Kion; they’re carnivores and they’re hungry. And speaking of, what did YOU have for lunch today?

• No, Super Why, that does not in any way qualify as a “super big problem.” Like kids aren’t already prone to hyperbole as it is.

• Daniel Tiger, why the formality with “Miss Elaina”?

• Why is Blaze the only monster machine with a driver?

• “Curious” George? Hardly. Straight-up disobedient George seems more accurate. And I think it takes a lot of nerve for that little monkey to visit a zoo. Or make pancakes.

• Congratulations, Fresh Beat Band of Spies. You’ve managed to actually make me miss live-action Twist. Bring back the original – I was THISCLOSE to mastering the Great Day dance moves!

• Just one question for you, Choo Choo Soul: Why?