The trailer for Bad Moms has been making the rounds on social media lately, and while it left me feeling like it was trying just a little too hard, it did get me thinking about all the ways in which somebody in our Judgy McJudgerson universe might consider me a bad mom. So here ya go:
- My kids eat ice cream every day. Some days more than once. That said, I am a neurotic label reader, so they get only brands with six or so ingredients, none of them nasty. Plus, a small scoop of ice cream on a regular cake cone is about the same calories as a granola bar. I’d pick ice cream too.
- My kids only bathe every other night unless they have had sunscreen on or gotten caked in dirt (or ice cream in their hair) during the day. We only wash their hair maybe 2-3 times per week.
- My son wore a girl’s bathing suit all last summer when he had just turned 3. It was handed down to my daughter by a neighbor, but he quickly assumed it as his own and we had to tie the straps together in the back with butcher’s twine to keep it from falling down. But man, how he loved it.
- The tooth fairy leaves all gifts outside my daughter’s door because she is too scared of waking up the precious sleeping child to actually put something under her pillow.
- My kids don’t have limits on screen time. I am convinced that because of this, screens of all types have actually been demystified for them. They are quite happy to take or leave the TV, or only watch a few minutes before hopping off to do something in the other room. We’ll see if I stick to this when and if my son becomes interested in video games. I’m just not a fan of them.
- My kids only know the medically accurate names for their genitals. We have never used cutesy substitute names. But I grew up in a family of doctors, so there you go.
- My son still does his business in the plastic froggy potty and he’s almost 4. But honestly, I don’t blame him. If laxative commercials are to be believed, it’s hard for lots of adults to go on a regular toilet too. My daughter recently saw the YouTube ad for the Squatty Potty™ and has been begging me to buy one for her to use. And she also likes saying “sqwattehhhh pottehhh” over and over with dramatic flourish. I’m thinking about it….
- I let my kids take their shoes and socks off at the park. And go up the slide.
- My almost-7-year-old already knows a few of the bigger swear words. I’ll make my English-soccer-watching husband the scapegoat in this, but it doesn’t bother me all that much. Again with the demystification. I really think words lose their power if you can talk about them. And that’s what we do. She knows that they aren’t nice words and that she can’t use them outside of our house or in front of people besides mom and dad, but if she wants to quietly whisper a naughty word to me at bedtime and then collapse into giggles, I’m ok with that.
- My kids have too many clothes. And toys.
- I co-slept with my babies and also made them cry-it-out.
- I breastfed my babies and eventually switched to formula.
- I had an unplanned emergency c-section with my first child and then a scheduled one with my second even though I was a perfect candidate for a VBAC.
- I drink my morning coffee stealthily in the dining room because the minute I come into the family room, they need something.
- I’ve let my daughter quit activities she really didn’t enjoy.
- My son’s favorite song is Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” and my daughter’s favorite music video is “Thriller.”
- I’m really bad at saying no.
So there you have it. A few of the ways I’m failing as a parent. Or is this just a humblebrag? Whatever the case may be, I’d love it if you’d comment and let me know all the ways you’re a “bad mom!”