“You never know who is swimming in the murky waters of miscarriage” – this quote from an article I read last year still resonates with me today.
You guys…I get it. Three times actually. Why are miscarriages so hard to talk about? Why are we so ashamed?
I’ve gone through every emotion – sadness, anger, jealousy.
It’s This Easy?
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. When my husband and I decided it was time to start trying, I almost immediately got pregnant. Wait – that’s it? After lots of pregnancy tests, it was true. I was pregnant. It’s that easy? The first time and I’m pregnant? Not quite…. It was still early – only about seven weeks – but I started bleeding. And I knew. I was having a miscarriage. I was disappointed – and sad – but honestly, everything had happened so fast – and I had gotten pregnant so quickly that I barely had time to process any of the emotions. After about three months, we decided it was time to try again.
Cautiously Optimistic
Almost immediately I got pregnant again. I was optimistic – but cautious. I remember thinking to myself, I’ve been here before….and we know how it turned out. Because of my previous miscarriage loss, my OBGYN invited me in right away to do early ultrasounds. We went and sure enough, there was a heartbeat. A tiny, tiny baby – and a big, beautiful heartbeat. I was over the moon. My OBGYN rattled off stats about how when you see an early heartbeat like this your chances of keeping the baby and not having a miscarriage are really high and these are all good signs.
At 12 weeks we went in for a routine appointment. I was feeling nauseous and tired – both I knew were great signs. When it was time to check the heartbeat, instead of looking at the ultrasound monitor, I watched my doctor’s face instead. He searched for a heartbeat…and searched. My tears started flowing. He sent us to the high-risk doctor at Riverside for them just to confirm the inevitable. I’ll never forget the words the tech muttered… “I’m so sorry, I’m not seeing a heartbeat any longer.” Any longer. Just weeks ago it was there. A big, strong heartbeat. But now, it was gone. Devastated doesn’t even begin to cover it.
I went numb. The next few weeks were a blur. I felt like a failure. What had I done wrong? Did I not eat the right foods? Should I not have drank a cup of coffee every day? There was a heartbeat just weeks ago – and what about all those great stats my doctor rattled off? Why was I experiencing another miscarriage?
I opted out of a D&C and instead used pills that jump-started contractions so I could pass everything at home. I was exhausted and defeated – mentally, physically, emotionally. I had cried every single tear I had in my body. I took a break from social media too (which if you know me – I LOVE social media) – but during this time it seemed every time I logged onto Facebook, another friend was announcing their pregnancy.
Our Rainbow Baby
We waited a while before trying again. And, just like the two times before, I got pregnant. Almost immediately. I remained cautiously optimistic. We went in for our first ultrasound – and there was a heartbeat. But even then, I was still cautious to get too excited. We waited a few more weeks and went in for another ultrasound. I held my breath – and it was there, a strong, beautiful heartbeat at 12 weeks. I cried every tear I had – but for a good reason this time.
My sweetest joy, my biggest blessing, my darling rainbow baby Samantha Rose will be three in February. I hug her extra tight every night knowing our journey to her, all the tears we cried, all the anger I felt, I’d do it over and over again for her.
I suffered another pregnancy loss last year – like my first one, it was very early on. I was sad, but I looked at Samantha and realized how lucky I was to have her — I have one incredible, sweet girl.
Miscarriages suck. Besides my incredible husband, one of the only ways I got through them was talking with women who had similar experiences. It’s hard – but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you ever need an ear (or a hug), I’m here – and Columbus is full women who have similar experiences – and we have each other’s backs. All I know is, you aren’t alone.
I had 2 missed miscarriages before my daughter was born. We also got pregnant right away each time and on the first saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks but none at 11 weeks. It does help to talk about, or write about. I have written about mine too although I havent posted it. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for the note — you’re right, it does help to talk about. A piece of my heart will always be a little broken, but I am blessed beyond words with a daughter like Samantha! Hugs to you, Momma <3
Amanda, I didn’t know you went through this or I can’t remember. I’m sorry you had to go through losing children. You have my heart. I am thankful (as you are) that you have a Beautiful Samantha!
Thank you for sharing. Your cuz, Angela
Thank you so much, Angela — that means a lot! Yes, I thank God daily for my sweetest blessing, Samantha. And as painful as the journey was to her, I’d do it over and over again to get to her.
Amanda beautifully said…Went through this with my daughters…Angel was far enough along .. no heartbeat .. I got to hold her before then.. we buried her ..she was perfect !!! So proud of you Cuz …Love ya !
When I read your article it was like I was literally reading about myself! I got pregnant right away too. All three times. The first two resulted in miscarriages. One fairly early on and the second at 11 weeks after we saw a heartbeat at 9 weeks. Now we have rambunctious 1 year old identical twin boys ❤️ ❤️. The miscarriage fear stayed with me throughout my entire twin pregnancy. I would hold my breath at every ultrasound waiting to hear “I’m so sorry”. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I remember when I was in the throes of deep sadness post-miscarriage, reading stories such as yours helped me process my own losses.
Amanda beautifully said…Went through this with my daughters…Angel was far enough along .. no heartbeat .. I got to hold her before.. then we buried her ..she was perfect !!! So proud of you Cuz …Love ya !
I’m so so sorry you had to experience that. Although a tiny part of me will always be sad, I’m just so beyond grateful for little Samantha. I’m blessed beyond measure. Xoxo
I’ve never had a miscarriage, but it took almost four years for my husband and I to conceive and I can relate to what you said about social media- it was like everyone I’d ever met was making pregnancy announcements while I was crying on my bathroom floor each month when I realized I wasn’t pregnant (again). So thankful for my miracle baby, too!
You are absolutely right — both are just so so painful. Getting pregnant and not being able to keep it, or the agony of negative pregnancy test month after month. Sending you love, Momma for your sweet blessing and darling miracle baby (who is COTA Bus’ #1 fan!!!)
Thanks for sharing my article from Today Parents. I don’t always get to hear if it resonates with people so this was really neat when a friend emailed me your post! We are swimming in these waters together and by sharing your story, you are stretching out your hand to keep other afloat!
Oh Carly – I’m SO glad you reached out. It’s so funny – I spent a little bit of time yesterday afternoon actually looking online for your email – I wanted to send you my post and let you know how your words really resonated with me – even a couple years later. I could only track down your business page so was going to do some more digging today – and now, you found ME! All I can say is thank you- thank you for writing what you did – and for reaching out. Despite all the pain we felt years ago- we sure are lucky Mommas today.
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