Toddlers are awesome; I mean they learn something new every single day, have enough energy for all of us, and find joy in the smallest of things. Toddlers also feel big emotions in their tiny bodies because of all of these new discoveries that they make. Sometimes the way they process these big emotions is not fun. Toddlers are known for their tantrums, and the hitting and (shudder) biting that can follow. While the behaviors are completely normal, and developmental, it is certainly embarrassing when you’re the mom picking up the class “biter”.

Why do kids bite and/or hit?

Kids bite/hit for a few major reasons:

1. They are overtired and struggling to control their bodies
2. They are teething. When working on their molars in particular, kids become much more mindful of their teeth. It also feels good to put them to use (even if that’s on their friends…). A great trick when you know your kiddo is teething is to have them use a necklace teether or clip a teether to their shirt giving them easy access to something to grind their teeth on in an attempt for some relief.
3. They are overstimulated. A big trigger for Annabeth is when she is over-excited. She’ll be so so happy and running around and since she doesn’t know how to properly handle that intensity of emotion her fists start flying and her teeth might start chomping. Yikes. It helps her a ton when we notice her in these moments and give her some positive input- a tight hug, a squeeze on her hands, or even just helping her run it off. When we catch the excitement build up in time, we prevent her ever using her firsts or teeth. Which makes everyone happy!
4. Frustration. I don’t know about you, but even as an adult I struggle to process my frustration appropriately- just ask my husband! Kids+big emotions can lead to some undesirable behaviors. Compassion is important here, too, because when your toddler is devastatingly frustrated by her cup being pink and not blue it can be SUPER hard to appreciate. But her cup crisis is as frustrating to her as my work disaster is to me. Sharing toys is a huge trigger for frustration in kiddos too, and is a skill that can certainly need parent/caregiver coaching as kids learn how to take turns.

 

Some ways for parents, teachers, and caregivers to respond:

The best thing you can do is to remember that these behaviors are normal and show you that your child is working hard to manage his/her big emotions and may be struggling to do so. Something I tell friends and remind parents at work even is to remember that the brain is not developed until around age 25. Think of how immature and underdeveloped the rational parts of your child’s brain truly are. Too many times we think of toddlers as being short adults- I assure you that they are not and that it is unreasonable to place adult (or even just big kid) expectations on them.

1. Make sure you give all of the attention to the child/individual who was bitten. So if Annabeth bites my husband, I pull out all of the theatrics to tend to him, and care for him, and to make sure he is ok. By prioritizing the individual injured, we are showing Annabeth that her behavior will not result in attention towards her. Kids are smart, and certainly, engage in behaviors for attention and they don’t understand or appreciate the difference between positive and negative attention enough to care how they get the attention they crave.
2. Use a simple phrase to remind the “biter” that teeth are not for hurting our friends, that biting is not allowed, and that teeth are for eating our food. We simply say “we don’t bite our friends, that is not nice”. And that is where we leave it. Remember that toddlers cannot reason, so attempting a full-blown conversation about the philosophical debate around processing emotions is not going to go well. I know this from the science around toddler behavior, but also because despite having that knowledge, I have tried it many times, and it doesn’t work.
3. Close parental/caregiver attention for children is essential. We know that no child is immune to developmental processes, so paying attention to children with hands-on supervision at times, is necessary. Annabeth is actually quite predictable. We have come to learn her triggers. She does not like to feel stuck or cornered and wants people to respect proper sharing times (you know, however she defines proper). We are happy to come into these settings and basically coach her. I am a firm believer that kids can settle their issues better than adults can, but sometimes Annabeth needs a reminder that she can get away, play with a different toy, or go to a safe caregiver for help calming when she gets too escalated.
4. Never- and I mean NEVER bite, hit, pull your child’s hair, etc in retaliation to “teach them a lesson”. This teaches children that the behavior is an appropriate response to anger or frustration. As you can imagine, it would be pretty confusing to get in trouble for biting and your punishment be getting bitten…so is biting ok or isn’t it?
   

   

Will my kid always be a biter/hitter?

I sure hope not! No, kids will not always resort to their primitive instinct of using their bodies to express their emotions. It is a developmental phase and one all of us pray is a quick one. I swear that us parents survive parenthood basically one stage to the next and promising ourselves that “this too shall pass”. Good luck to those of you dealing with your chomping and swinging kids at home. It sure can be a ride. 🙂

 

Some wonderful resources:

Zero to Three –Toddlers and Biting

NAEYC- Understanding and Supporting Children who Bite

Hand in Hand- What to Do When Toddlers Bite

“When little people are overwhelmed by BIG emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos.” – LR Knost